My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
