Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
