I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
