the condom got lost in my hair
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
