y did u give ur computer a hand job?
**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
