You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
