Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize