Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
