Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
