I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Randomize
