When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Randomize
