it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
