Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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