It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize