WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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