I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
