i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize