Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
