My first STD was from a foam party
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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