I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
