dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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