If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
