Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
