I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
