I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
