another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
