Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
being pregnant is like rehab
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Randomize
