So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Couch. On fire.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
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