Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
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