My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
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