you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
