Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
