I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
