If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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