I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
