Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
