I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
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