He uses pillows to masturbate.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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