Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Randomize
