If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
