she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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