Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
