At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
