I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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