Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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