I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
