if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
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