wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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