Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
