and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I smell stomach acid.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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