Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
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