I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
