Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Can you bring me the toilet please
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Randomize
