Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
