they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Randomize