apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
