P.S. I can't hear my feet
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
