I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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