I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
